Beware: the hazards of wildlife! (7 June 2014)

When I entered the Beast of Ballyhoura I got lots of warnings and advice about what I needed to do and not to do, what kit I would need and what training I would need to do, but nobody and I mean nobody, warned of the hazards of coming into contact with wildlife whilst training in the English countryside...

Whilst being British born, I spent a large portion of my formative years in South Africa.  Growing up in Africa I have had a rather superior attitude to the risks of encounters with British wildlife. I humbly apologise!  My training has helped me to revise that opinion.  I must stress that I adore British Countryside and wildlife however, I have new found respect for it all.  And have come to the conclusion that the smaller they are, the more hazardous they can be.

I have, in the past,  run into a beautiful badger which could have been quite risky but he glanced at me and trotted off, unconcerned. I have come across the odd fox at the waters' edge or seen a tail disappearing into the bushes as I run along. There have been bunnies glimpsed amongst the trees and fish through the waters.  On many occasions, I have had the privilege of watching stags graze inside the military ranges (brave creatures) and then there is all the teaming birdlife along and on the canal.  There are several resident herons who only flap off a few metres as I ride towards them on my bike and who completely ignore me in the kayak. Saturday saw a very close encounter with one particular grey gentleman who had no idea that the bike would continue to keep moving towards him as he flapped up and landed perhaps 2 m further down the path.  He gave in eventually and flew across the canal away from the tow path.

Last week, I spent a lot of time kayaking which was fantastic and I had the joy of seeing all the little moorhen and coot chicks, the ducklings and goslings afloat on the water.  This is particularly challenging in a kayak which likes to go in a straight line because the little moorhens don't seem to have any concept of the possibility of a collision.  I had to take very rapid evasive action accompanied by shrieks of horror that the little chap might get impaled on the pointy end of the boat. 

Of course there is the well known danger of swans.  How can a thing of such beauty be so grumpy? I always give them a wide berth.  It's the way they glare at you down their long beaks with a baleful eye, it gives me the willies!  And I can't tell you how many times I have nearly tripped over or squashed a grey squirrel whilst running and cycling.

Much of the contact with British wildlife is benign but some, well some, is positively deadly...

The most obvious danger from wildlife is that of being eaten alive.

This risk is mostly found on the waterways of Britain! Particularly, the Basingstoke Canal in my experience. The problem lies with the plague level swarms of mosquitoes and midges that have made the canal their home.  You can, if not careful return from a pleasant little pootling paddle almost bitten to death.  These vicious creatures show no mercy to their victims and don't seem to care if you wear repellent.  I think they see this as a particular challenge.  You go out on to the water smelling aromatically of citronella oil and return, bumpy skinned and itchy and in some cases bleeding. They swarms of wicked beasties blacken the air above the water and take malicious delight in attacking the poor unwary kayaker. 

And, if you happen to open your mouth.... beware! You have to use your teeth like a tea strainer.  All right for some but I have an overbite. And if that orifice isn't enough the wretched things fly up your nose.  Try that on for size when you are sitting in a racing kayak and a tiny weight shift can send you hurtling into the depths.  The horrid little thing shot up my nose like a rat up a drain pipe and I felt it almost hit my sinuses.  I was snorting and snuffling and desperately trying to not fall out of the toothpick of a boat, also known as k1 racing kayak. 

"What's wrong with you?" asked Ross.

"I have a bug up my nose!" I cried in great distress, all dignity was lost as I started blowing great gusts out of my nose and squeaking in horror. 

But worse was to come.

The biggest danger to the adventure racer whilst training in Britain is the choking hazard known as..."THE BUG SUCK"  The bugs of Britain have an unerring, almost radar like ability to find the open mouth.

Having suffered the indignity of a bug up my nose and survived the swarms of mosquitoes, the glaring swans and 4 hours on the water, including kayaking for miles in the lashing rain, I noshed a peanut butter sandwich and hopped on my bike. This was for 43km dash along the canal and back home.  I was going for speed and distance so there I was peddling along, enjoying the now clear skies and the warm sun that was drying out my damp tri-suit.  I was really going for it,  mouth open, breath coming in gasps.... little did I realise that danger was so imminent.

 Suddenly out of nowhere a deadly invader flew into my mouth, on an inhale. I felt its wings as it flew down my throat on its kamikaze mission, hitting my epiglottis and disappearing into the unknown. Gasping and choking, I came to an immediate stop. Spluttering, I tried to hork the wretched thing back up my throat but, to no avail.  Hunting for breath and hoping to drown the little blighter, I gulped water down my raw throat.  My lungs were bursting, tears streamed down my face.

I must apologise to that poor couple who thought they might have to do mouth to mouth on a strange, choking, mud-covered middle aged woman who could only gesticulate wildly at her chest and gasp out, "Bug".

So all you experienced adventure racers, don't give people advice on shoes, blisters, energy foods....rather warn them of grumpy swans, stubborn herons, plagues of mosquitoes and most of all warn them about the hazards of the Bug Suck.